[OPEN]

[dragoon_pride]

FORM: Sending Crystal
SENDER: Kain Highwind
RECIPIENT: EVERYONE!!!
WHAT: Kain is being stalked by a rude parrot, and it’s time to see about finding the owner! Is it yours?! It’s probably yours! Please let it be yours, JUST TAKE IT ALREADY.
WHEN: Around now or so!
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Nah, just the usual language warnings

[A sound can be heard in the background, a high pitched voice saying, “Fuck off, dust bugger!” Over and over and over again.]

Will you be quiet?

[Kain attempts to move away with the crystal so the sound of swearing gets a little more distant, but doesn’t yet end.]

Has anyone in Skyhold lost a parrot? He's large, mostly blue with some yellow near the beak and eyes… and all he does is swear. Loudly. Inconveniently. [Really, the language in itself isn't the issue so much as the timing.] I’m told a lot of his curses are dwarven. [He pauses, the bird’s phrase shifting to, "Nughumping son of a darkspawn!"]

…What is a nug, anyway? [Does he really want to know?]

Comments

[gatheringstorm]

[Korrin can't help it, she snickers.]

If anyone actually does claim it, let me know. I really want to know whoever gave it such a colorful vocabulary.

Nugs are small, hairless creatures that mostly live underground. They resemble rabbits, in a way. If you want to know more, I suggest speaking with Leliana, since she has a bunch of them as pets. At any rate, they're a little creepy but harmless.

[dragoon_pride]

So far, there's been no sign of an owner coming forth. I fear it may be a lost cause.

[His tone is overly grim as if he's talking about something truly catastrophic.]

Then the dwarves must come into contact with these 'nugs' often? Not... the kind of contact the bird speaks of. [Just to be clear about this. :| But that's all useful information, he finally came to the point he was getting tired of hearing the bird say it without understanding.] Good to know in case I want to see what they actually look like for myself.

[gatheringstorm]

[Corypheus? Nah, this is the true struggle. Poor Kain.]

Uh, no. I'm pretty sure nugs are seen as a food source, if they're thought about at all. Above ground, where there are a lot more animals to choose from, that's not the case.

[dragoon_pride]

[Right, this is a very big deal here, perhaps the most foul thing plaguing the Inquisition at the moment. And as Kain attempts to keep talking, Bastard is just so desperate to be heard that he interrupts...]

They don’t exactly sound- SQUAAAAWK SHOW ME YOUR TITS -appetizing. Still, that’s one mystery solved. Now to resolve the - STONECURSED WHORESPAWN - matter of locating this negligent dwarf. Surely he’s missing his- BEETLE-BRAINED DUNG-EATER- pet.

[gatheringstorm]

[There's a loud snicker on her end, as how can she ignore all that? She can't.]

Did you ever ask the bird itself? Just to see if he'd have something to add other than expletives?

[dragoon_pride]

[It’s not funny, no! No laughing at him!]

I ask his name and all he does is repeat “you Bastard” over and over again. I ask where he’s from and he simply says “Ancestor’s balls.” [Well, really, it’s not totally inaccurate maybe.] I ask about his former owner, and it’s “sodding nughumper”... So who truly knows?

[gatheringstorm]

[And she's snickering her whole way through this response, because it's all hilarious, dammit.]

I have a feeling that's about as much as you're going to get, Kain. If the 'sodding nughumper' is around, he would have claimed the thing by now. Or it would have claimed him. As it is, Bastard's claimed you.

[dragoon_pride]

[Kain sighs dramatically several times, mostly because he has no better response at the moment. He is truly stuck here.]

Yes... I'm starting to lose hope that this parrot is simply lost. Wouldn't the owner have returned by now? But I'm really not certain I want to be dealing with this - GOATFUCKER -creature forever. He's not giving me much choice though.

[He's thought about bringing it somewhere far away and just. Leaving. But already he's reaching the point that the idea kind of abandoning him rather saddens him. Grrrr stupid bastard of a bird.]

[gatheringstorm]

Well, you'll have to return to battle at some point. It probably won't follow you there, unless it's been so trained. But I really fucking doubt it. That would be a sight, though, wouldn't it? It could distract your enemies with expletives.

[dragoon_pride]

[She can’t see it, but Kain is totally rolling his eyes.]

That’s not quite the sort of battle technique I prefer to do… though back home, we did have some among us with a skill called ‘Cry’, which… distracted the enemy in a similar manner.

[Except it was by sobbing dramatically, yeaaaah. Similar principle, though.]

At least I’ll perhaps have a respite from it, then. The other day, I left Skyhold just to get away and explore the surrounding area… and he didn’t care to follow. So you may be on to something.

[Bastard is as lazy as he is foul-mouthed, it would seem.]

[el_tybs]

[When the noise came through on the crystal he had certainly not been expecting to be hearing those choice of words. Mostly since he's not heard many dwarven curses.]

You sure they lost it or got rid of it?

[Sorry, not sorry, Kain. This is funny.]

[dragoon_pride]

[It is SO not funny, and Kain sure does hope his aggravation is somehow transmitting over the crystal. :| But yes, he has been considering this frightening possibility, that he really is stuck.]

At this point, I'm starting to think they may have simply left it... but I need to be certain.

[He adds, in a grumpy tone,]

It won't stop following me around.

[el_tybs]

Have you, I don't know, tried feeding it? Clearly it likes you. Maybe it's just trying to get your attention because it's starving and thus mad.

[Hanger hits everyone Kain.]

[dragoon_pride]

[It's not a bad strategy at all, but he's dealing with a whole other level of crazy, here.]

I've tried that... Feeding him distracts him for a little while, long enough to make an escape... but then he'll return soon enough to find me. He always finds me.

[el_tybs]

[Well Kain was good with crazy right? He's been to the moon.]

Birds are pretty good at finding people when they want to. Running from it ain't going to help.

Maybe you should try teaching it different words?

[dragoon_pride]

Are you saying what I think you're saying? I should just accept this?

[Kain was afraid of that happening, but yes, he was starting to think it might come to it. He'd just wanted to try finding the owner in one final, glorious attempt.]

Korrin has had luck teaching him, but those were just more curses. Perhaps I could attempt.

[There's a sudden, loud cry of: "Bronto shit!!!"]

Perhaps I should attempt.

[el_tybs]

Well... you can either fight it and having a swearing bird find you at the weirdest moments, or... you can accept it.

It knows to repeat words and can easily find you, must be a smart bird. Maybe it can be trained.

As for attempting? Try feeding it while teaching... or say good phrases as if you're swearing?

[dragoon_pride]

[Right, attempt it. Sam is giving him good advice, even if Kain is hesitant to take it. After all, the more time he invests in this nuisance of a bird, the more likely it really is that he’ll have to accept it as his own.]

Far too smart for its own good, it would seem. I don’t even know why he chose me in the first place… aside from the look of my armor. [Oh and nesting in his hair that one time too, can’t forget that.] I may have to attempt this strategy of teaching him new words… or at least keeping him calm enough to be silent for a time. Otherwise, I fear I’ll be stuck hearing about all of Andraste’s many parts. Repeatedly.

[Though, who knows, the parrot seems to speak up when amused, just as much as when annoyed.]

[el_tybs]

[Don't forget nughumping. Andreaste's many parts and nughumping.]

Do you wear your armor all the time? Is he only around when you wear it?

[madame_de_fer]

A nug is a charming little housepet that is all the rage in Orlais.

[There are other uses in other places for them, but this is the pertinent information in Vivienne's opinion.]

They've been in high demand among the nobility since Sister Nightingale acquired one during the Fifth Blight. A gift from the Hero of Ferelden, I understand.

[dragoon_pride]

Apparently they're quite the rage wherever this parrot is from. [There's a certain dry sarcasm to his tone, though, because really... he sincerely doubts that 'nughumper' means anything literal.] Are these creatures very common? No, wait, if they're so favored by nobility, they must be quite rare...?

[Though to be fair, he's probably seen them himself and just not yet connected the term with the actual creatures.]

That Hero of Ferelden has had a lot of influence, apparently, beyond the heroics the title comes from...

[madame_de_fer]

Indeed he did, my dear! Why he rose up to defeat the Blight in Ferelden and won the hand of her queen. One hardly can become more influential short of being named Divine, and he's the wrong gender for that.

If you're interested in a pet nug, I'm certain I could speak to Sister Nightengale about securing one for you. She breeds them. Ah and then you could play at fashion with it as the court does! Everyone finds waistcoats and dresses to match their own colors and fashions.

[dragoon_pride]

He sounds truly heroic. It's no easy feat to impress royalty. Not to mention defeating a Blight.

[What he's heard about Blights, that really is a remarkable accomplishment.]

Play at... fashion? [She may as well have spoken another language, he's utterly baffled why anyone should waste their time on such a ridiculous pursuit.] I'd say that fashion isn't my calling. [Plaidweave fan here!] But I'll keep that in mind, perhaps someday. For now, this... this parrot is more than enough to deal with.

[madame_de_fer]

Indeed.

Do be a darling and see if you cannot teach it some more civilized speech. I dread to think what would happen if it used such coarse language around our more dignified guests.

[dragoon_pride]

[Some of them could do with some livening up, and this is coming from Kain of all people. Still. He doesn't want to be the cause of some falling out from a supportive noble all because of a bird.]

Believe me, I intend to find some solution to this... problem.