CRYSTAL | THIS IS CRIMINAL

[illithidnapped]

FORM: sending crystals, sometime around week four, during the dragon tracking assignment's first foray into fortress scans
SENDER: Astarion
RECIPIENT: every last one of you, as usual
NOTES: Corypheus is his own content warning

Gods. It's a travesty. A nightmare. Unthinkable.

[He sounds almost shaken. Thoroughly run through by something leaving freshly witnessed tracks through his mind. Harrowing. World-shattering. The horrors of warfare come to a head, or perhaps some new tragedy played out before him, wherever he is now.

His voice is noticeably pained, he soldiers on:]

Villainy I can understand. Inhumane cruelty— fine. Yes. But do you want to know the worst part about all of this?

I thought for certain Corypheus would at least have the decency to be handsome— but no.

[No flowing hair framing unspeakably beautiful features, all gracefully arcing downwards into gleaming armor or finely stitched robes. Not even a half-measure between an enticing magesterial figurehead and some average, mealy-faced man possessed of charisma. No. No!!] The misshapen creature looks about as beguiling as a troll’s festering tit: no glamor, no allure, no illusions, for hells' sake.

It’s an utter wonder anyone follows him at all. I can't make sense of it.

Comments

[cozen]

Step carefully, monsieur. I might be involved with one of them.

[ The sort of might be that clearly means am.

An afterthought: ]

And they can hear you.

[ Two of them, anyway. The other two might be dead. But past tenses and qualifications are for quitters. ]

[illithidnapped]

[Step carefully? Astarion? Do you know him at all, sir? Never mind— don't answer that.]

Maybe I want to be overheard.

[He purrs, practically curling his tongue like a cat licking up cream.]

Besides, it'll make it all the more fun when I sniff out which one you're deeply in love with, no doubt.

[cozen]

[ Bastien laughs. ]

You can try.

[ And succeed. It's not terribly subtle, especially lately. But Bastien will at least make a cursory effort not to explicitly announce it in Astarion's earshot.

Anyway— ]

You might be onto something, though. In all sincerity. Some woodcuts that highlight how terrible he looks, and [ important! ] make him less tall...

[illithidnapped]

Well, you're not weeping bitter tears at the moment, and you didn't use past tense, so that does narrow the scope.

[But yes, fine. All right, in the spirit of camaraderie, he'll stop gnawing and play nice for once.

Well. Niceish. This is very hard for him.]

Mm. A new committee, perhaps? A formal campaign to...belittle the man, so to speak? Why, we could even round up the local orphans to scribble out his likeness for distribution.

It'd be indistinguishable, no doubt.

[cozen]

[ A for effort. ]

Oui. Perfect. When things have calmed down [ he's not always an optimist but he does always do a good impression ] we can sit Monsieur Silver down and make a proposal.

[illithidnapped]

Then it's a date.

Or whatever the entirely innocuous version of a date would be.

[No. Yes. Wait. Give him a moment.]

—probably still just a date.