01 - open

[tofindthesun]

FORM: crystal
SENDER: legolas
RECIPIENT: eeeeveryone
WHAT: a query about adventures. and adventurous query. also caves.
WHEN: at the crack of dawn. before the crack of dawn. the dawn-crack's crack.
WHERE: physically in the gallows. technically to anywhere.
NOTES: i'm okay with characters asking him about the last time he was here and any of the other legolas' past cr bringing that up. s'cool. (if anyone is still here from that time besides, like, Dad)

[to those who have heard it before or have spoken to his predecessor, they might recognize the voice in his this message.]

I wonder often if I worry needlessly, for needless things. For these are troubled times upon us, and far worse things there are than...

[hm. maybe not that topic.]

Far worse things, in any case.

I wish to ask: Where might one seek information for an excursion into the undergrounds? I would call it an adventure, but I am to understand it is not the safest place to be, at times. And at places. Though it is true that I seek an adventure!

[he sure sounds excited. y'know. in that mild tolkien-elf-voice-rises-one-(1)-octave sort of way.]

As for the reason... [hhhmmmmm.] ..let us say simply that I wish to see the sights.

And, if killing anything down there is required, it would not be a problem. [much.]

Comments

[inagutterson]

Orzammar is terrible don't go there unless you're going to gut it.

Also deepstalkers are a thing and there are packs of them that spit. And Darkspawn. Spiders. Probably brontos the dwarves forgot because Orzammar dwarves are terrible.

[tofindthesun]

Oh. [wow he's kind of disappointed.] That is unfortunate.

Hm.. I would not get close enough for anything to spit, usually. But it is hard to say of underground passageways. [....] The spiders do not sound pleasant, but spiders rarely ever do.

[yes, of all the things to fixate on. he goes for the spiders.]

What are deepstalkers, exactly?

[inagutterson]

It's all deshyrs this and 'in my day we rode the Casteless through the streets like bronto' and someone mutters about Bhelen and someone, younger, they'll cough and be able to look embarrassed and point at all them Casteless guards, uncle please you're embarrassing. Sundermount's got some caves with spiders but Sundermount's terrible too, don't go there.

[Cursed. All of it cursed. Fantastic view but unfortunately cursed.]

Deepstalkers are little lizards right but they've got them horrible worm faces that are all teeth, just packed full of gnashers with stronger back legs than they've any right to and a tail, and sometimes you'll be down in a cave in the dark and you'll go 'oh, look at that rock' and in that horrible deepstalker brain it'll think hehehe you fool then it'll come at it you faster than a northern arrow. They go about in packs too, wait until you're alone then these little buggers leap at you, mouths full of more teeth than a thoroughbred but sharp and they come at you and some got nasty stuff that they spit it's acid. Or it'll paralyse you.

[Throughout this explanation there are sound effects. And the sort of flapping and buffeting of the sending crystal to suggest he is pantoming to an audience. (He is, there is a damned menagerie with him at all times.)]

[tofindthesun]

[legolas understands only half of those words and that's perfectly fine with him.] Thank, for the warning. If I could avoid all the spiders in the world, I would.

[such is life........ he's still gonna go, cursed or no cursed.]

They sound almost as bad as dragons! [he might be laughing a little, which is funny, considering what yngvi is describing. maybe he's just visualizing the pantomiming.] At least a dragon has the decency to announce itself first. I suppose a bow and arrow would not be very useful against deepstalkers. Perhaps an axe?

[inagutterson]

[Come to Orzammar, Yngvi's got some elf boots maybe a trend will catch on down there as he shows off the terrible sights and offends the population by existing.] All the spiders? Even the trap them in a cup, stick 'em outside spiders? But any spider is that sort of spider. Just depends on the cup. If a giant were the type to have cups and use cups, a giant could put a spider outside. If they lived places that had doors. Caves are open entrance policies spiders have no respect for closed doors so caves are fair game to them.

[What is breaking and entering to a spider they are godless beings.]

Dragons are big and mostly they're off. Somewhere. In the middle of nowhere. Maybe they fly past and shoot fire or lightning or ice, eat some druffalo or people or take a massive shit and if it's a high dragon she'll have a load of overgrown big lumbering babies but it's like what would you rather fight? Probably one big dragon than a hundred tiny dragons. They'd wear you down but if it's you and other people on a dragon you've better odds. [And it's more dignified than being eaten by something that's blind with a worm face.] Nah you could use arrows if you're good but y'know say no more I've got two whole axes mate.

[tofindthesun]

[well they're just going to have to clean the place up and make it more hospitable. waste of an empire tbh, leaving it to be festered with darkspawn.]

Small ones tend to leave you alone! [...] Well. Most of them. Hm. Any spider large enough to take off a hand, then.

[mirkwood doesn't even have doors most of the time so he can relate. they're just there. everywhere.]

I have never heard of a dragon breathing lightning or ice... [small frown. Small Frown.] ..Or having spawn. Perhaps not dragons, then. They sound much more troublesome than I recall. Can they talk?

I am rather decent with arrows, but I might try an axe in any case, if you have one to spare.

[inagutterson]

[The Orzammar way: build big doors, make pushes to reclaim old glories covered in filth to pore over and raise up the ones in power, double down on the system, treat the Blights every few centuries as a break for even bigger pushes to go on a true reclamation spree.]

I know someone who had a spider crawl in his mouth and then he had a sore ear, someone takes a look and oh shit it's a spider and her army of babies because they have a lot of babies. [Mercenaries tell great stories when everyone gets to hanging out at the tavern together between jobs he misses that.]

Oh they are. They are up the worst. But nah they don't talk I think whoever made dragons made them only so bad then stopped because if they talked then that'd just be worse - can they talk where you come from? What sounds worse? Talking or lightning and ice?

[Then there's a pause, weighing his options--] Mate I'd be coming with you that's my axe and you're not from these parts I'm not sending you off on your lonesome that'd be a dick move and I'm not a dick.

[tofindthesun]

That sounds awful! [eeeeww.] Did he survive? I cannot imagine he could have, but that is.. a very unfortunate way to die. [yeah that's the important part of this. death by spiders in ear.]

I have only known two dragons to speak; I do not know if the olden ones ever did. They spin guile and deception with their words, much like their masters and makers, and they do breathe fire. Some of them were very large... Smaug slept on a hoard of riches for so long they became embedded in his hide. [hmmmm.] I suppose the talking is worse. One can evade lightning and ice, but one cannot stop a dragon from speaking if it wishes to.

[Oh. huh. Hm.] I will have company with me! But I would not turn you away if you still wished to come. Of course, as it is your weapon I am borrowing, I cannot rightly refuse such a condition. [boy if those aren't the most passive-aggressive sounding words to never sound passive-aggressive. that's just how he talks.] Greater people have sent us off with less, and nary a worry in their mind.

[translation: don't worry bro. also what's a dick. that's a funny word to use, given context.]

[inagutterson]

Survive is a broad word. [He's loving this.]

So politicians then? Is that how they do? Because that sounds awful mate if you've got dragon politicians just doing the one-two combo of being a dragon with their whole dragon thing and then being a politician with their thing but they could do it for however long-- how long do dragons live? And why money or jewels or exquisite furs or is that just the dream for rich people? [Yngvi does not fully understand rich people but he pauses, making a thoughtful noise.] 'cept I did steal them silver spoons out that estate so maybe I get it. Like you want it, you take it, you have it. Maybe it's just no one can stop you if you're a massive dragon. Ours just eat stuff. A whole gurn. A herd of gurn.

[Spoiler: he does not know if gurn are a herd animal he's not some gurn-ologist here.]

You could break a dragon's jaw, that'd shut it up or sometimes there's no comeback from what you've said. Then it has to shut up.

[The sickest burn to burn a fire dragon that way.]

Well those people also sound like dicks but that's the Thedas way for people to say 'oh can you do this thing for me' and you should have way more than you've got which is you, yourself, and what's on your back. Same for the people with you. And since I'm all practiced and shit I'd feel bad now we're speaking if I weren't there being a dwarf who knows these things. We ain't got many dwarves in the Inquisition most of the time feels like it's just me.

[tofindthesun]

Oh, it is. Did he, well, continue to lead a meaningful life? [...] For whatever definition of meaningful you find applicable.

I do not know, I have never cared much for politics either. We do not deal with it where I am from. [...well.. legolas doesn't deal with it.... his dad does. his dad is politics. the king politics.] I think they live for as long as they have food and water. They were created some thousands of years ago, but not in overly large numbers. Only in overly large sizes. I have only ever seen one in my life, and that one is dead now. [too big. much fire.]

..Well, I do not know about silverware, but I sometimes steal food from my siblings' bowls. It always looks tastier than my own!

[that's okay legolas doesn't even know what a gurn is, he'll take yngvi's word for it. they're herd animals now.]

I do not think I would be very keen on breaking the jaw of a creature that could hold a hundred of me on its back, as a dog would fleas. So the stories go, at least. Better to just shoot them with a very big arrow. [down with dragons.] Also I think it would just crush you with its very big feet.

[you just can't win against a dragon, can you.]

It is very impolite of them! Although if the hire in question is a proclaimed specialist, they should perhaps already be more than prepared enough. But that is no excuse to not offer, at least.

I would welcome the company of a dwarf, regardless. I thought I might have seen others though.. but I confess, the dwarves here are not entirely like those of my world. Less beards.

[inagutterson]

[Monotone but disgusted:] He farms. Just sheep.

How do you not deal with politics? It's everywhere, it's like flux but the whole year and with a whole other mess you can't just toss buckets of soapy water on to clear up! And created how I mean there's stories about how some things happen but it's not like someone stitched up a pile of scales, lobbed magic and blood in then said 'right, that's you, you're a dragon piss off and be a problem'. [But what if they did Yngvi that sounds like some Tevinter hijinx and you know it. Probably gotta consult a mage on this. Maybe Gervais would know.]

Well who doesn't steal from siblings right? It's what they're there for.

[Moving swiftly on this is a touchy subject now it's in the realm of food. And siblings. And before Yngvi says something regrettable to a stranger.]

Look in Thedas? You can't ever assume people will ever tell you even a shade of the truth because everyone is a bit of a bastard about it if they're paying you. Come deal with these people in my warehouse then there's a mage that turns into a rage abomination and someone's on fire. [Someone who gets burnt. Who gets sick. Who dies. Costs and such.]

Are they stout? We get called stout folk by people but I'm svelte me, put Orlesian ladies to shame with my waistline and well, y'know, sort of an old man thing. Or old woman. Can't tell my mothers and fathers apart on a dark night if I drop in for a late night visit and no one fancies lighting a lamp because Yngvi m'boy that's wasteful, living up there with the humans has changed you. [Old people amirite.]