I think... what you do when you are young can be things you do because you do not yet know, or you lack a voice, the means to act counter to what you are instructed. Your choices can be limited by lack of power or knowledge.

( There is so much she wishes she could change from her childhood, her adolescence - her whole life, almost. Decisions she wishes she had better understood. ) That can be the burden of growing, but... when there are things that you are unhappy with, or that wound yourself or others, and you understand what it is doing or has done - then the possibility for change occurs because you've obtained more of an understanding of it.

( She sighs. This isn't an easy topic. ) No other can make the decision but you, but I would wager there are those that would help you, should you wish to move away from that pain, rather than be mired in it.