therookery | A warning

FORM: Sending crystal
SENDER: Anders, Oghren
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: People are being warned
WHEN: Current!
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Oghren. Blue is Oghren, bold is Anders.

[There's a heavy sigh before he speaks; the first speaker, Anders, might be having some serious regrets.]

We've a new Warden, or rather an old Warden returned to the group, and I've a warning to issue: if you're challenged to a drinking contest with a particularly smelly dwarf, do not take it. The Wardens are not responsible for what happens if you decide to ignore this advice. Honestly, your best bet is to steer clear altoge--what are you drinking now?

[There's some bottles clinking together followed by a loud belch before Oghren speaks up.]

You need some better alcohol. This tastes worst than actual piss. Funny color to it too.

That's not... Maker's breath, Oghren, that's not for gulping down! Put the remnants of the potions down and stop messing with them! If you puke or you die, you better do it outside this tent. I'm not responsible for that either.

[There's more clinking as Anders gathers up what remnants he can.]

What are you going on about? That wasn't ale? [There's a pause.] My ancestors fat tits, what was that, sparkle fingers?

Who would keep ale in the healing tents? That was twenty doses of emetic. Now step outside, because you are not going to get sick in here.

[There's now a grumble and some rustling.] Never heard of keeping something good around for pain. Got to have those potions instead. Can't just have a good ale or something stronger. Got to be... [The sound trails off as he heads outside.]

[There's another heavy sigh. Anders sounds like he's already exhausted when he continues.]

Don't challenge him. Just don't. And if anyone listening cares to bring additional ghoul's beard to the healing tents, I'm in need of it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[The Doctor just raises an eyebrow. Even with how he got used to innuendo because of his wife, things still went over his head more often than not. Especially related to his biology.]

If I start to glow, it's best that everyone stay far away.

[It wasn't the worst language the Doctor had heard here. And there weren't children in the immediate vicinity, so he wasn't going to say anything yet.]

Has... anyone asked you to clean it up?

Definitely not convincing me you shouldn't get your glowing bits looked at, you know.

[Though he is wondering if that would be a fun nightlight for the ladies in bed...

ANYWAY...]

Loads. I don't listen to any of them.

It's fine. Other than the shard, my biology just works that way.

[Yeah, don't ask about how Time Lords procreate naturally. There will just be a lot of awkward from the Doctor's side. He had trouble explaining it to his wife.]

Clearly. Even over this thing, you don't strike me as the type to do anything other than what you want.

[Sudden burp. Ah that's better.]

Doing what I want gets me by just fine. Got it so it works out for Felsi and I too.

I am always surprised at what does and doesn't pass for manners.

[He's not, really, but may as well try to make a point.]

Felsi? Who's that?

Well I'll tell you now that by the standards around here I don't have any.

[Suits him fine though.]

Felsi's the woman I married. She had my kid too.

Well, good thing she didn't have someone else's kid if she was married to you...

[Oh gallows humour.]

Good, then I shouldn't bother you at all. I'm always told I don't have any.

Heh. That girl wouldn't go being with anyone anyway.

[He appreciates the humor though actually.]

Long as you don't tell me to clean up or stop drinking or say things about my height we should get along fine.

Oh? Why not?

[No man ever thinks any woman would cheat on him.]

Well, if you make a mess, I'll tell you to pick up after yourself. And if you try to kill yourself drinking, I might try to stop you, but I don't care what anyone looks like.

Because even if I asked her to do that to get some happiness with someone better for her she'd slug me one.

[Soooo not about cheating.]

All the drinking hasn't killed me yet. Looks like I'm still going here.

You got a keep-her, then.

[Yes, very punny.]

Does that mean the other guy is wrong about challenging you?

Challenge? Where's the challenge? I'll drink them under the table.

[He might have missed the point on that one.]

Well, I was told not to challenge you. By your mate. Thing is: the ale in this place is fairly weak. So I'm going to need something stronger.

The Fereldan stuff is weak but it tastes better than the stuff you get in Orzammar. That's what happens when you don't put dirt in stuff though.

But we'd need something stronger alright. There's a lot to pick from.

You... put dirt in your ale?

[Well, that explains the terrible taste.]

Yeah. Probably to help mask the fungus.

What kind of fungus do you use?

[It's funny how dwarves have other brews but he only likes talking about this one. But when you get reactions like this all the time...]

Why? Were going to Orzammar to get some?

No. I'm curious. I know a planet where they capture their intestinal gasses to make their ale.

[Fungus is not the strangest brew the Doctor has heard of.]

Intestinal gasses, huh? Bit different there but I'd still try it.

[He's Oghren, after all.]

I bet you would.

[The mention of the town tells him the man's a Dwarf.]

The think is, it would probably kill you. Literally. Their gasses are... incompatible with humanoid species.

Now you're just insulting. I'm not human in the slightest. I'm a dwarf of Orzammar and made of tougher stuff than you think.

Did I say 'human'? No. I said humanoid: two eyes, two arms, two feet, peachy skin. Anyone who didn't know you were a dwarf would call you human. Therefore you're humanoid. As opposed to Octopedial. Which means having eight legs.

[He had to go there, didn't he? Yup, he did, sorry.]

If they mistook me for a human they'd find themselves missing some stones. No dwarf is anything like a human. We've got plenty of differences.

For one our women have more meat on their rumps.

[Shush. That's important.]

[The Doctor is faceplaming so hard right now. Good thing the dwarf can't see.]

Yes, yes. You are exceptionally different(!)

[That was the Doctor's sarcasm coming out. And yes, sarcasm does help!]

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wardeneructate - 2017-03-22 23:47 (UTC) - Expand