WELCOME TO THE INQUISTION : Sooner or later it comes crashing down

[mostlyvoid]

FORM: A sending crystal broadcast to everyone in the Inquisition
SENDER: Cecil Palmert
RECIPIENT: Everyone
WHAT: Cecil's first Welcome to the Inquisition broadcast
WHEN: First Day, mid festivities
WHERE: Skyhold
NOTES: Cecil is weird

[The sending crystal in your hand glows, and a low, soothing, baritone voice begins speaking to you, and the rest of the Inquisition, through it:]

The sky is torn. The sky is bleeding in sharp, green rifts. The sky is belching demons across all of Thedas. The sky would really prefer if it could just take a nap, right now, and wake up when it feels better.

Welcome. To the Inquisition.

[The voice starts to hum, what can only be described as a 'theme song', because he has no other way of introducing himself. He has no staff, and, well, this is a different kind of broadcast than he's used to, but he's going to make this work.]

Hello, Listeners. If you can hear my voice, that means that you are one of the few - one of the many - one of the heroes of the Inquisition. Thanks to this special magic, I can speak to all of you at once, without you needing to be present. Thus, I have taken it upon myself to use this specially authorised magic item in order to bring you -

The News.

Listeners! I am happy to bring you news that Inquisition agents recently helped to rescue a group of imprisoned civilians, that had formally been held by Red Templars in the Emprise du Lion. An incredibly brave and intrepid group of individuals, which included two humans named Sherlock Holmes and Maxwell Trevean, as well as a Vashoth named Korrin and a - Rifter - known as Lenneth, successfully infiltrated a Red Templar camp, rescued the prisoners from their dank, depressing cart-like cages, and killed every single Templar that they could find. As one eye witness account reports, it was magnificent and bloody and Sherlock Holmes in particular had very, very nice hair, and a coat that billows majestically.

Within that group of rescued persons was - myself! As well as a few others who have since joined the Inquisition. Make sure to say hello to your new comrades, and double check that they are not somehow Red Templars in disguise, ready to stab you in your sleep in order to bring you a quick and painless death rather than face the unholy face of their lord and master in the Apocalypse to Come.

Moving on.

Both the Mages and the Templars have been having meetings in order to organize their respective groups. Listeners, I have to admit that I find this particular news distressing. Have we not had enough of the Mage Templar War already? Have we not seen our beautiful lands torn apart by ceaseless fighting of those who should be working together, like they were for thousands of years, in the perfectly fine and never problematic system that we had before? Regardless - when I have full details on the exact make up of these delegations, I will report them fully and without bias, and only say that I hope the Circles resume soon.

Our next segment is one that I have found surprisingly fresh and full here in Skyhold! In order for a little cheer in this dark and dismal time, I bring you:

Gossip!

Listeners, it seems everyone in the Inquisition has been sleeping with everyone else! And why not? Death hangs over our heads like a dark, looming spectre - ready to separate each and every one of us at any moment! Why should we not find comfort in the arms of one another, in what is sure to be our last days? Have you been sleeping with anyone? Why not? Why have you not slept with everyone, and then cried, desperately, into their arms, moaning all the lost time and the sorrows that have come with fighting against the end of the world?

If you need inspiration, look no further than some of your illustrious comrades! For example - I am sure nearly every single one of you has met the elf Zevran Arainai. I'm sure almost every single one of you has kissed Zevran Arainai. The Elf has been making it his solemn and sworn duty to bring cheer to every man, woman, elf, tal vashoth, and dwarf of the entire inquisition. So - if you are lonely - all you need to do is say his name three times and wink in a mirror, and within the next 24 hours you will be in bliss.

Simply watch out for his presumed lover, and extremely handsome Grey Warden, Alistair. We all know what he can do to Dark Spawn. Don't let him do that to you!

Dorian Pavus, of both Tevinter - Ugh, I hate Tevinter - and illustrious moustachioed fame - has been seen cavorting with another Northern mage, Benevenuta, as well as the templar Maria Hill. Easy there, Dorian! We know you're all about Mage-Templar relations, but perhaps your moustache alone need not do all the work? Save some of that for other people's facial hair, even if it could not possibly hope to stand up to the beauty of yours, that compels us all from sheer awe.

Anyway.

Now, I take you to: The Weather.

[After the music plays, Cecil's calm baritone returns.]

Listeners, There is something very important I must talk to you about. So now -

An Editorial.

I admit that I have an incredible bias. Having only just recently been freed from the clutches of the Red Templars, I cannot help but feel strongly about where our gazes must now be turned, but - Listeners, please, we must go to the Emprise du Lion. Scouts have reported red lyrium mines in the area, staffed with miserable and doomed civilians, enslaved to the will of the Red Templars, and thus to Corypheus.

I was nearly one of those slaves.

I was nearly sent to my death, crazed by red lyrium, in unwitting service to the greatest evil that our lives have ever known. Yes, Listeners. Greater than the blight. Corypheus - his red templars - they must be stopped. And they must be stopped now. I implore you. Each and every one of you, to speak to your commanding officers, to raise your voices and--

[He stops abruptly, cut off by the sudden sound of flapping wings and a Raven's harsh caw. There is the sound of scrabbling, and of paper being unrolled. Cecil clears his throat.]

Listeners - I've just received information from an anonymous source via raven. This is - this is incredibly good news! The Inquisition - the greatest hope in all of Thedas - is turning its gaze toward the Emprise du Lion!

Inquisition, we are going to war with the Red Templars! We are going to save the hundreds of civilians already captured and enslaved by Corypheus' forces!

We are going to uphold what is right, and light, and good in the world!

Thank you, Inquisition leaders, on behalf of all those who have suffered, who are suffering and who would have suffered had it not been for you. Thank you.

And with that -

Goodnight, Inquisition. Goodnight.

Comments

[el_tybs]

What in the world is all this-?

I doubt that everyone is sleeping with everyone

[mostlyvoid]

I'll admit that was a touch of hyperbole, but according to my sources, nearly anyone of any note has one or more lovers, at the moment.

[el_tybs]

And just how many people of note do you have?

[mostlyvoid]

Hmmm, let's see here.

[There's the sound of shuffling papers.]

A few dozen, at least. Perhaps as many as 80!

[el_tybs]

[There's a distinct sigh at that.]

A few dozen? 80? How long have you been at Skyhold?

[mostlyvoid]

Oh, A few days. [He says, extremely vaguely. What is time, anyway?]

But my sources have been here far, far longer.

[el_tybs]

Have they now?

[Just where was this person getting their information from? Well there was a lot of people at Skyhold now so it could be anyone.]

And you believe these sources?

[mostlyvoid]

I have no reason to disbelieve them.

Besides, gossip is gossip - misunderstandings come with the territory! But that's what people want to hear, in their reports.

[el_tybs]

[Another sigh. That... was true.]

I'm not going to be able to have a conversation with anyone without the topic of 'who kissed Zevran' coming up.

[mostlyvoid]

Well, considering that I'm fairly certain 'nearly everyone' is the answer to that question, I'm not entirely sure it will be a topic of conversation for very long.

You could also just open your mouth and make a sound like an endless, half-silent scream until people stop asking you about it.

[el_tybs]

If 'nearly everyone' has done it then it wouldn't be gossip even now would it?

... Is that how you get people to stop asking questions?

[mostlyvoid]

How very astute!

No, no. I like questions, though to be honest, people don't tend to ask me very many. [Mostly because it's hard to get him to shut up, 90% of the time.] But I do think it would be an effective method. You should try it, and then report back to me to tell me if it worked!

[el_tybs]

I can only imagine if I started doing that then people will think something is wrong with me.

Do you have a name or are you just that 'random voice telling gossip'?